By Brad Hieger, PhD
When your child’s anger seems to come out of nowhere, you may feel like there was no warning at all. For many kids, though, anger builds in stages. Your child’s body starts to react well before the shouting or door slamming begins, and those early signs are easy to miss, especially for the child who’s feeling them.
Learning how to help your child manage anger often starts with those early signs. When your child can catch them and has a plan they’ve already practiced, they may have a better chance of staying in control when something frustrating happens, whether that’s losing a game, being left out or hearing “no.”
Help your child notice anger in their body
Your child has to notice anger before they can manage it, and that skill takes time to develop. Young children often feel emotions in their bodies long before they can put a name to them. The ability to recognize body signals, like a racing heart or tight muscles, and connect them to a feeling tends to improve as children get older. Adults may assume kids already know what those signals mean, but many children need someone to point them out.
For kids with ADHD, this may be even harder. ADHD affects executive functions, the brain’s skills for planning, focus and self-control, and those same skills help a child pause when a strong feeling hits. A child with ADHD may go from calm to furious faster, which leaves less time to notice what’s happening.
Start by asking your child to describe what happens in their body when they start to feel angry, sad or worried. You might ask, “What did your hands feel like right before you yelled?” Over time, your child may start to recognize signals like these.
- Their face gets hot or their fists clench.
- Their heart starts beating faster.
- Their stomach feels tight.
Once your child can recognize a few of these signals, they can work as an early warning. A hot face or a clenched fist becomes a cue for the child to slow down before the anger takes over.
Practice with your child’s favorite shows and books
A great time to build this skill is when your child is relaxed and enjoying a favorite show or book. Kids often care a lot about the characters they love, and they may find it easier to talk about a character’s feelings than their own. When a character stomps off, cries or goes quiet, you can pause and ask a few questions.
- “How do you think she’s feeling right now?”
- “What gave it away? Was it her face, her voice or what she did?”
- “What could she do to feel better?”
Picture books work well for younger kids, since you can point to a character’s face and talk about what you see. Older kids may enjoy guessing what a character in a movie is feeling before the story makes it clear. Each conversation gives your child more practice connecting what a feeling looks like on the outside with what it feels like on the inside.
Use colors to name how your child feels
Many schools and therapists use colors to describe feelings, and some programs, like the Zones of Regulation, are built around this idea. Green usually means calm and ready, yellow means a little worked up and red means very upset. Some systems also add blue for feeling tired or sad.
Colors give your child a simple way to describe a feeling without having to find the exact word. They may also take some of the sting out of the conversation. Your child may hear “I think you’re at yellow” as an observation, while “You’re getting angry again” may sound like criticism. If your child’s school uses a color system, ask which one so you can use the same words at home. Over time, your child may start naming their own color before you do, which shows they’re noticing their feelings earlier.
Practice a calm-down plan ahead of time
Noticing anger is the first step. When anger rises, your child’s body gets ready to react, and their heart rate and breathing speed up. Your child may fall back on whatever they usually do, like yelling, grabbing or storming off. A calm-down plan gives them a different action to reach for, and some of these actions may also help their body settle.
Help your child pick one or two of these and practice them when everyone is calm.
- Count down slowly from 10, which gives the first rush of anger a few seconds to pass.
- Take a few slow, deep breaths, which may help slow a racing heart.
- Repeat a short phrase, like “I can try again.”
Practice matters because a stressed brain tends to reach for what’s familiar. If your child has rehearsed their plan on ordinary days, it may come to mind more easily in the middle of an angry moment. You can make practice playful, like having a contest to see who can do the slowest countdown, or practicing deep breaths together before bed.
Teach your child how to take a break
Sometimes the best plan is to step away for a few minutes. A short break gives your child’s body time to calm down before they say or do something they regret, and it lets them come back to the situation feeling more in control.
Help your child find a way to leave without drawing attention to themselves. With friends, a trip to the bathroom or a quick drink of water works well, because nobody expects an explanation. At home, you might agree on a calm spot your child can go to and a simple signal they can use to let you know they need a minute. The goal is for your child to return once they’ve settled, so the break works as a reset instead of a way to avoid the problem.
When your child’s anger needs more support
Every child gets angry, and occasional outbursts are a normal part of growing up. More support may help if you notice patterns like these.
- Your child’s outbursts happen often or feel more intense than you’d expect for their age.
- Your child’s anger is costing them friendships or causing problems at school.
- Your child seems upset with themselves after outbursts but can’t seem to stop them.
- The strategies above haven’t made much difference after steady practice.
A therapist can look at what’s driving your child’s anger, including whether ADHD, anxiety or another concern plays a role. Therapy may give your child more tools for managing strong feelings and give you support as you coach them at home.
Common questions about kids and anger
Q: What age can kids start using colors for feelings?
A: Many preschool and early elementary classrooms use a color system, so your child may already know one. Younger children may only tell green from red at first, and they can add more colors as their awareness grows. Ask your child’s teacher which words the class uses so you can match them at home.
Q: My child says they don’t feel anything before they explode. Is that normal?
A: Many kids say this at first. Their anger may build so quickly that they don’t notice the early signs yet. Noticing body signals takes practice, and starting with characters in shows and books may make it easier.
Q: Should I punish my child for getting angry?
A: Anger itself is a normal feeling, so punishing your child for feeling it may teach them to hide it. You may get further by setting limits on what your child does with anger, like hitting or throwing things, and by praising them when they use their plan, even partway.
Focus Forward Counseling and Consulting works with children, teens and families in the north Atlanta metro on anger, ADHD and emotional regulation. Call us to find a therapist who fits your family.